Sometimes you need to sweat the small stuff.

I know we're not supposed to sweat the small stuff. First off, I'm pretty bad about that in general - I sweat everything. Except apparently what I need to sweat. Like the Bar Examination. So here's the deal. I busted my butt the last few weeks studying - really - that's all I did was study and go to work - fun life, huh? So by the time I walked into the exam on Tuesday morning I felt pretty good. I was feeling okay. This was my third one, I felt I had studied well enough and I was ready to go. And then the exam was passed out. And I thought to myself "what in the hell is this?" You see, historically there are two topics on the morning essay exam and six questions on the afternoon essay that can be pulled from a list of about 12 subjects. Then on the second day (all multiple choice questions) there are six more subjects. So you study the day two subjects different then the day one topics because one you have to do multiple choice on and the others you have to be able to spit back verbatim what the law is. Well, apparently, unknown to me, they changed the examination. Now the second day topics are fair game on the first day - obviously I did not know that. I swear I did a "due diligence" (a nice legal term for you there) search for information on the bar exam and got myself a list of topics together. I was using bar study books from 2003 (I borrowed then from a friend because the bar study course is about $1500) but as far as I knew the test hadn't changed. But it did. So needless to say I was pretty upset. I felt like I paid a lot of money for this, put a lot of time into it and really put my life on hold to study and prepare myself but because of my own negligence (legal terms everywhere) I'm likely not going to pass. There is still some hope if other people didn't know either, but most lawyers pay a bit more attention to that stuff then I do apparently. So I'm pretty bummed but I guess it's one of those lessons learned in life. I'm happy as hell to be back in St. Louis and out of freezing cold Chicago (never ever ever go to Chicago in February if you can at all help it) and done with the exam and back to my normal life, but I'm bummed I really blew this and I have no excuse. If I had studied and then didn't make it because my flight was grounded that would suck but it wouldn't be because I'm an idiot. If I had gotten really sick and didn't do well, then again, it would be beyond my control. But this really wasn't. And while I swear they hid the information deep on the website, I should have made a better effort to find it. So that's the bar news. I don't find out until forever, but I'm not holding my breath. I can still hold onto some tiny hope but it's not looking good.
Good news is I'm back home and can get back to life. I kept promising my friends that Stupid Lame Studying Missy will be gone soon and Fun Missy will be back. I'm back. :)

Three Days and Counting.

Saturday. Sunday. And Monday. Then the big test begins. Three days to learn over 20 subjects to such a degree that you can answer any number of questions on those subjects at moments notice. You have to memorize all the little nit-picky things because they don't test you on the broad topic (which you better know better then you know your name) but on the minute little exceptions. You recognize in a question that something is hearsay - then you realize that it's admissible because it's not hearsay because of an exception - but you better know if it is really an "exception" to the hearsay rules or something that is classified as "nonhearsay" and you'd better know whether or not that "exception" requires the "declarant" to be "unavailable" or not. So no matter how much you know what hearsay is - you'd better memorize the 18435 exceptions. One of the worst subjects is "Secured Transactions." I don't understand this subject to such an extent that I don't even understand what the name of the subject means. For instance "Constitutional Law" - I know that has to do with the laws surrounding the Constitution. "Evidence" deals with the laws of evidence. Etc. But "Secured Transactions"? What in God's green earth is a "secured transaction"? That's what I hope to learn in the next three days because apparently you've got a 90% chance of having one of those questions on the bar. My only real hope at this point is to hope and pray I get lucky and there is not a Secured Transactions question.
On another note, isn't it funny as you get older you just know yourself so well? On one hand I've been totally freaking about about this exam for the last few days but on the other hand I know that I go through this process before every Bar Exam (or any big stressing event). I know that I'm lazy and put it off thinking it won't take half as much time as it really does- and then it takes three times as long. Then I go through a good bit of freak out mode - nobody talk to me, try to communicate with me or otherwise distract me from my mission - learn this crap as much as humanly possible. Then I go through a study as much as I can but realize there's only so much to do and you've only got three days left. So that's where I'm at now. I'll do my best the next few days but the real freak out is over. Then I'll sort of freak out before I get on the plane on Monday thinking "I'm totally going to fail this" (because while I am working really hard on the enjoy every day thing, I am still really really failing on the positive thinking thing) but by the time I get to Chicago I'll have a nice sense of peace. At that point I'm like "bring it on." I am ready to go, ready to get it over with and cool as a cucumber. I'm not insanely nervous shaking or cramming, I just want it over with. For the first time in weeks I'll really be able to laugh again and I truely will get to a point where I don't care one bit if I pass or fail, but just that it's over with. Then I focus and get throgh the exam. I do this EVERY time I do anything that takes preparation - and exam, a test, an interview - same process. So now at least when I go through that freak out phase I know that it will be over soon and I can make it through it. It's cool how the older you get the more you realize how predictable you are (at least to yourself).
p.s. While I have this whole "process" figured out when it comes to scholastic/professional things, it obviously doesn't always apply to personal matters - case in point: the wedding - there was no amount of convincing me that I wasn't going to be indefinetly stressed about it and that I had a chance of enjoying the day - but had I paid attention to my history I should have known that come the big day, I would be cool as a cumcumber, ready to go and just want it over with. :) Almost to one year already!

When Pink is Bad . . .

When it is ice and it's coming your way. Last night, during my brief 30 minute break from Bar studying so I could clear my head and run on the treadmill, I was concurrently watching the evening news (two birds, one stone). Mr. Weather Man said that we would be getting ice/snow/hail/sleet mix beginning at 1pm today and getting heavier overnight and then taper off tomorrow. LIAR! It came early so this morning my car, the sidewalk, the steps, the roads and any other stationary object was covered in ice. But we perservered because we have to work regardless of the risk to life or limb. It took Cody over an hour to get to work because of traffic and me almost 30 minutes (much longer then my typical five minute drive) - the roads were treachorous - they were icy and slick and the entire time you're just slip sliding around. But we both made it to work under the assumption the worst had passed. Again, wrong! As you can see by the pink (by the way, Florida people, since you never see a map like this, the pink = ice) we are in for a bunch more where that came from. Lovely. Did I mention ice is slippery? Because it is and it's darn near impossible to walk more then a few feet without falling. Sounds fun to you? Then move to Cold Corn Country (Missouri). :)

Word for the Day.

Pejorative. I just think it's a neat word and I aim to use it more. Just a heads up. :)

In other news, while Bar studying totally and utterly sucks and I really fear I will fail, life is otherwise all rainbows, sunshine and kittens (three to be exact) - by the way, I totally stole that phrase from Melissa - I also steal her phrase "hampster sized snow" when it snows big fluffy flakes. I just couldn't be any happier then if I won the lottery. Life is just turning out the way it should. Speaking of - my mom often quotes things that as a kid you get tired of hearing by the 254th time - but one of those is from Candide (Voltaire for anyone who hasn't read it - if you're bored it's actually a decently good read) - it's something like "all things happen for the best and this the best of all possible worlds." Basically - don't bitch about anything because life is evolving exactly as it is meant to be and you'll realize how and why later. For once I actually see how this plays out perfectly.
However, even today, after I've lived more then a few years and in certain areas of life I feel like I've figured out where I stand and what I really "believe" and can really stand on my positions - destiny is still one I debate within myself. In some sense I do think we have a destiny but on the same note, I also think destiny is a bunch of crap, it's a big excuse for stupidity and we all make our own destiny by the decisions we freely make each day. I think blaming destiny for laziness or otherwise lack of initiative or desire is a big cop-out - in case anyone was interested. So still wrestling with that one.

Maybe there can be world peace . . .

So maybe there can be world peace. Maybe we can all get along after all. Maybe the world just is a bit better off then we think it is.

Case in point: all cats, touching and no one is getting hissed at, bitten, sceatched or otherwise irritated, picked on or maimed.

As most know, we have three cats. If you ask Cody that's three more then we need. But he really does love them - I even hear him say so. But they don't so much get along all the time. They don't fight per se but they certainly aren't all "buddies." It sort of goes like this:

First there is Wiggles - if I didn't list her first she would probably try to kill me in my sleep. She is a little brat and co-dependent and a snot. But Cody loves her like crazy. She follows him around insanely pathetic like. When he sits down, within four seconds (we've counted a number of time) she is in his lap. And then she climbs up on his shoulders and wraps herself around his neck and won't move. He absolutely cannot resist her "cuteness." I find it irritating. She is like that girl in high school who pretends to be really sweet and cute and everyone loves her but she is really a conniving backstabbing bitch.

Next there is Bumpis. She is the funny cute one that everyone loves. No one can help but think Bumpis is just cute, fuzzy and funny - though she's dumber then a box of rocks. She gets along fine with Wiggles because Bumpis "follows" her - like following the popular girl around to be "cool" but the only reason the popular one keeps you around is because you're funny and look cute and are stupid as a box of rocks. She gets along with Pickles - but only when Wiggles isn't watching. When Wiggles is around then Bumpis is too "cool" to hang out with Pickles. Cody says Bumpis is his "favorite" because she is funny and cute and stupid - just what a guy is looking for. :)

Finally there is Mr. Pickles. Pickles is more like the awkward geek/nerd who is trying to find herself in the world - sort of goth/alternative and very unsure of herself. She really just wants to be loved but it's difficult because when you try to be sweet to her and pet her she is very hesitant and wants to be petted in her very specific way - you can't just start scratching all willy nilly - you have to sort of baby Pickles so she can accept love. Wiggles, the strong "leader" picks on her like crazy. Not mean, but just irritates Pickles. If Pickles has the good, sunny window spot, Wiggles will jump up and kick her off and Pickles will sulk off to find another decent spot - until Wiggles decides she wants that one and kicks Pickles off again. She gets along fine with Bumpis and is more then happy to have someone to play with but as soon as Wiggles comes around Bumpis is suddenly too good for her so she goes and plays chess by herself somewhere in a corner.

The nightly ritual is this: Bumpis sleeps at the foot of the bed on the fleece Gator blanket where she doesn't move unless you physically kick her off the bed. As soon as I lay down under the covers Mr. Pickles runs up, I lift the covers and she sleeps under my side of the covers. She doesn't want to be in the open or to be petted, just to sleep near someone. Wiggles is the more domineering - she sleeps right on top of Cody. If he's on his back, she sleeps right smack on his stomach. If he's on his side, she sleeps right on top of his hip.

Needless to say, to make a long story short, they love each other in their own special ways but they don't "cuddle" often together. Very rarely do you get them all three together like a little family. Tonight was one of those days - So, maybe there can be world peace one of these days. . . either that or Cody keeps it entirely too cold in our house so they huddle together for shear warmth. :)

This picture was just funny. I was studying for the Bar and the only way I can study is to write everything I need to know on notecards - needless to say I have hundreds of them. So I decided to see if I could cover Bumpis in them. Maybe she can learn some Wills, Estates and Trusts by osmosis. Too bad you can't bring a cat with you in the exam - at least it would be more enjoyable that way. But considering you can't bring a watch or even a coat, I doubt they will allow a cat. :)

Countdown.

I know we´re all supposed to live every day to its fullest and enjoy the beauties and bounties of every day and not preface every day with ¨tomorrow I will . . ." or ¨I can wait for next week/ month/ year and then I will be happy/ fulfilled/ relaxed/ etc." I do try to do that most days - enjoy the day for today and not live in what is coming or what has passed. I might add, however, that this is a constant, daily struggle for me. I tend to look in the past quite a bit and dwell on what I should have done, should have said, or should have refrained from. Other times I focus so much on the future that I fail to enjoy today - sometimes I can´t wait for the weekend for a party, an event, a nap - sometimes I can´t wait until next month for a vacation, a project to end or a nap. So I really try to get over that tendency to let today fly by in the anticipation of tomorrow (which, as we all know, is not ever guaranteed) or fail to enjoy today while I´m busy focusing on yesterday.
But not right now. My life right now is a countdown and I´m not apologizing for it. I could care less about these days and are just hoping they fly by quickly. I am waiting, not so patiently, for, first, the 27th of February at 5 p.m.. I take the Illinois Bar Exam on the 26th and 27th up in Chicago and can not wait for it to be over. This is my first bar exam where I really, honestly, feel like I have a decent chance of not passing. Florida I could not have failed - I put in tons of time and even took the course youŕe supposed to take to pass the bar. Missouri I only had to take one day of the two-day exam and given my second day score from Florida (which I could transfer), I pretty much just needed to show up to pass that one. But now since my second day score has expired I have to take both days again. I seriously cannot remember this stuff like I thought I would. There are some subjects (commercial paper and secured transactions) that I have simply given up trying to learn because no matter how much time I spend I still will not get those and will waste time studying for subjects that I can get better at - my only hope is those subjects are not on the exam. So right now I have a zillion hours of studying to do (this has literally been my life lately) and only 9 days to do it in. Yikes. So, yeah, I could care less about these next 9 days - just get them over with - get me to the Bar and get this over with. If I don´t pass itś not the end of the world - only $1200 and three days wasted in the arctic tundra that is Chicago this time of year.
Second, I´m just waiting for February to be over. And damned if it wasn´t one day longer this year. At my job (and most legal jobs) we don´t work a certain number of hours a week - we don´t punch a time clock - we work for billable hours. So I have to bill a certain number of hours a month - or else. I can sit at work for 10 hours and if I only bill 2 hours then I still have to sit there until I get enough for the month. Other times you can get 2 hours in 30 minutes. It all depends. Well, usually it´s relatively doable if you put your mind to it. This month, however, I was out sick for three days and while I tried to do as much work as I could from home, it certainly wasn´t enough to get me to my hours. Add that to the three days I´ll be gone for the Bar and there is no way to recover. My hours are shot for the month. It´s embarrassing and I´m sure I´ll catch slack for it, but it´s just something that happens sometimes. So I just want the month to be over, I can get this crummy billable month over with and recover in March.
And, finally third, I just want March to be here. The beginning of Daylight Savings Time (one of my favorite days of the year), longer days, the official beginning of spring (though I swear we do not get actual spring weather here until May), St. Patrick´s Day (one of the more fun holidays), Easter (another fave - mostly because of Cadbury Creme Eggs), and just a general sigh of relief that the end of winter is coming.
So, sorry if I´m not living for the day right now - I´m just ready to get these few over with.

My ducks.

Great news! My ducks are finally all getting in a row! You see, for a while now my ducks have been wandering around aimlessly and lost. There was one duck in the middle of the interstate trying to get across. Another was at the lake but it was frozen solid so he was confused. Another was in vacation in Florida while yet another was stuck in a snow storm in Wisconsin. One duck just slept all day and in his waking hours watched daytime tv - Oprah, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy and the sort. Another doesn't sleep at all. I think another one of the ducks was eaten by the cats. You get the point. I couldn't figure out where my life was going, what I wanted, or even where I was presently. There were so many questions and a lot of general confusion. I felt like I thought things would settle down and fall into place once the wedding was over and while they did for a little bit, there were still a lot of other questions out there - I had only solved one of them. And lately (well, a bit more then just "lately") they've just been nutty.
But yesterday all my ducks lines up in order and I am SO happy - and light - and happy. Unfortunately I can't quite say why yet - it can't be public for a while (in case you're in a guessing mood, no, I am not pregnant or even trying to get pregnant - trying to avoid that for the time being). It's one of those things that have to be kept under public wraps (at least on the blog since it's really "public") for legal reasons for the time being. Anyway, but I finally feel like my life is lining up the way I want it to. I'm finally figuring out what I want - and actually getting it! I finally feel like I'm getting all my ducks in order. The last 24 hours have literally been life changing - in a really great way. Not only have new things come up but I've learned a ton about myself in the process.
Anyway, happy happy happy ducks are in a row!

Sad.

Anyone who has ever had a long distance relationship can relate to this. Or someone who doesn't live close to family. When you're visiting the other person (like when I would fly up to visit Cody before I moved here and when we visit Tally) there is always this crazy sadness the night before you leave. For instance if my plane left at noon on Monday, then on Sunday is when you go around the house, make sure you have all your stuff, pick up the house after your weekend/week of fun and together time, pack everything up and get ready for leaving. It's always a really quiet, sad process. You never know quite what to say because if you start talking about leaving then you might just start to cry. You just get ready and dread the next day. When we're leaving Tally to come back home it's the same thing - the night before we leave we always try to pack and get everything in order - that is always the worst part of the trip. If I even try to talk to someone or ask where something is or say that we had a good time then I start to cry. For me, I just have to get to the business of packing and try to make it to the next morning.
That's how I feel right now. We've been staying in our spare room (since it has a TV) while we've been sick so it was something different then normal. Today I've been cleaning up as much as I can. Picked up the spare room and returned it to its normal state - moved us back upstairs (because that's where the alarm clocks are). And it's sad to see our little vacation end - even though we didn't really "enjoy" it because we were insanely sick, it was nice to at least suffer together. Tomorrow is back to the "real world" just like when you leave visiting someone to go back home to your "real world." I know it sounds weird, but we've literally been quarantined in our house the last few days because we didn't wnat to get anyone sick and so we've really gotten to just get used to just hanging out together all day. It will be sad to go back to the "real world" tomorrow.

Fun Stuff.

Not really. This past week and a half has sort of flown by in a weird blur. A blur of snow, Mardi Gras, friends and then sickness. Terrible, terrible sickness. But I'll get to that part.
Backing up just a bit, last Thursday (not a few days ago Thursday but the one before that) a good friend came in town for the weekend from New Jersey to visit friends and partake in the Mardi Gras festivities. I picked her up from the airport around 4:30 while it was snowing - not blizarding, but a good steady snow. And it kept snowing. And snowing. We went to dinner in Kirkwood (see previous post regarding sadness in this cute community) and it seriously took us 40 minutes to get home with the snow. We saw four snow plows - but none of them actually had the plow down. Go figure. So when there is snow in St. Louis (more then a "dusting") there is sleding. And since I still have this crazy fascination with snow, I dragged my friend (who grew up with the white stuff) to the local large hill for some sledding action with fellow Florida transplants. A blast. A fun blast, but a blast nonetheless - at least it's a great workout.
Friday was to be a normal everyday sort of day, but there was SNOW! Lots of it! I seriously got out a ruler and walked around the yard measuring the snow and we got between 8 and 12 inches. While that is nothing for Wisconsin, that is a lot for us. A friend called as we were getting better for work and told us they saw that Boeing was closed. Our first response was "Bull S***! Boeing NEVER closes!" We searched the internet and TV and couldn't find any indication they were indeed closed - for the last ditch effort we called the hotline - and sure enough they were closed!!! Since when it snows I usually get a ride to work with Cody and my car wasn't going anywhere with all that snow, I decided to work from home (many of us, knowing we were going to get snow, brought work home just in case). It was such a cool day getting to hang out with Cody (my friend had plans with other friends).
Friday night we went with some other friends over to the "East Side" (East St. Louis - east of the River) to a bar to watch Bon Jovi and Guns and Roses tribute bands. While it sounds dorky - it was AWESOME!! We had such a good time hanging out with friends, listening to old music and just hanging out.
Saturday was, of course, Mardi Gras. We got up way too early (after being out way too late) and dragged our happy butts down to the parade. The parade was lots of fun - good floats and all - then we met up with friends afterwards for general drinking/party fun.
Sunday my friend and I, along with some fellow girls, had a fun "girls night" of bonding and Cheesecake Factory. :)
And Sunday is when it all started. The general body aches. The fever that I couldn't get to break. The cough. The dead tired grossness. It was so bad I couldn't sleep more then 30 minutes out of every few hours because my skin hurt so bad with the fever and the cough and sore throat were bad enough to make me cry. But, like a trooper, I went to work on Monday because they do not like people to call in sick - they automatically think you're lying I think. Too bad I didn't get anything done because I was just trying to survive. Lifting my head hurt. Standing took all my energy. Monday night was more of the same. I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed as Cody because he just couldn't sleep with me coughing and tossing and turning. Fever would just not go away. Tuesday more of the same. Tried to work, basically just sat there trying not to die. Unfortunately Cody came home from school early with the same thing - fever, body aches, insane sore throat and cough. I hurt so bad I called my mom crying, trying to find something to make my skin stop hurting. That night neither of us slept more then 3 hours because of the discomfort. So first thing Wednesday morning, we were at Urgent Care the minute they opened. One Q-tip up our nose (each - two Q-tips total, not one Q-tip for the both of us) and it came back bright and clear "influenza." Apparently what we all call the "flu" is just a bad cold. Real "influenza" is like the black death - or mono - whatever you want to call it. It's bad - very very very bad. So he gave us some lovely anti-flu meds, told us not to go near anyone for five days and sleep. I thought to myself, "Are you kidding, Buddy? We've been TRYING to sleep - it hurts too much!" But we took his medicine and his advice, went to Wal-greens for the meds and 12 bottles of juice and were on our way home. The next few days are a big blur. Mostly just sleep and taking medicine. We literally were sleeping 15-20 hours per day. If you've ever had mono then you know how this feels. We've both had mono and this brought back horrible flashbacks. It seriously took all my energy to walk up the stairs and then back down - and then I would sleep for two hours. It was insane. We had to miss all the fun we had planned for the weekend because for five days you're insanely contagious and I would have died if we gave this to one of our friends (I wouldn't even wish this on enemies). So we have been camped out - just the two of us in our sick bay of a house for days now. We've actually been up for 8 hours already today so that's a good sign. It's bad to work tomorrow - we'll have to see how that goes. The biggest problem now is just the energy - there is none. We tried to take a short walk and I was so exhausted I thought I was going to throw up. So much for working out this week. Anyway, that's our biggest news.
Should have gotten a flu shot. Many moons ago, in law school, I did my civic duty and got my flu shot. Then they stuck a band-aid on my arm and I swear to you it left a discoloured band-aid mark on my skin for 6 months - so for half the year it looked like I had a band-aid on my skin from where the skin was "bleached." I have no idea why that happened, but I've associated it with the flu shot ever since. So I haven't been gettting them. Plus I figured I had the flu before and it was just a big cold - WRONG - I swear I've never had the flu like this. Next year I will be dragging myself and Cody (kicking and screaming if need be) to the doctor for a flu shot - never again.

St. Louis in the news again.

We always get in the news for great stuff, huh? A year or so ago we were the center of a baby snatching drama - some crazy lady went to a house in the boonies, cut the mom's throat and took the baby. Mom was fine, baby was found but it was all over CNN for days. Then we were the center of the drama when those two kids were found. A kid was kidnapped (again from the boonies), another kid spotted the truck that was seen near the snatching, police found the truck, and when they went inside to get the boy recently kidnapped they found another boy that had been missing/kidnapped for four years. Crazy.
Now some nut-job goes and shoots up a City Council meeting. What is this world coming to? First, while it sounds cliche' the neighborhood this happened in really is a nice, quiet suburb in the county. Second, not to be paranoid, but I deal with people like this guy - who go nuts over their stupid, very small, legal cases - every day. I've had cases that might net the people a few thousand dollars but they go nuts over them - getting so involved, thinking they were "wronged," etc. and they start filing all sorts of crazy paperwork and threatening to report me to the Bar, the Department of Justice, etc. Crazy.
Really, what is this world coming to?