Countdown.

I know we´re all supposed to live every day to its fullest and enjoy the beauties and bounties of every day and not preface every day with ¨tomorrow I will . . ." or ¨I can wait for next week/ month/ year and then I will be happy/ fulfilled/ relaxed/ etc." I do try to do that most days - enjoy the day for today and not live in what is coming or what has passed. I might add, however, that this is a constant, daily struggle for me. I tend to look in the past quite a bit and dwell on what I should have done, should have said, or should have refrained from. Other times I focus so much on the future that I fail to enjoy today - sometimes I can´t wait for the weekend for a party, an event, a nap - sometimes I can´t wait until next month for a vacation, a project to end or a nap. So I really try to get over that tendency to let today fly by in the anticipation of tomorrow (which, as we all know, is not ever guaranteed) or fail to enjoy today while I´m busy focusing on yesterday.
But not right now. My life right now is a countdown and I´m not apologizing for it. I could care less about these days and are just hoping they fly by quickly. I am waiting, not so patiently, for, first, the 27th of February at 5 p.m.. I take the Illinois Bar Exam on the 26th and 27th up in Chicago and can not wait for it to be over. This is my first bar exam where I really, honestly, feel like I have a decent chance of not passing. Florida I could not have failed - I put in tons of time and even took the course youŕe supposed to take to pass the bar. Missouri I only had to take one day of the two-day exam and given my second day score from Florida (which I could transfer), I pretty much just needed to show up to pass that one. But now since my second day score has expired I have to take both days again. I seriously cannot remember this stuff like I thought I would. There are some subjects (commercial paper and secured transactions) that I have simply given up trying to learn because no matter how much time I spend I still will not get those and will waste time studying for subjects that I can get better at - my only hope is those subjects are not on the exam. So right now I have a zillion hours of studying to do (this has literally been my life lately) and only 9 days to do it in. Yikes. So, yeah, I could care less about these next 9 days - just get them over with - get me to the Bar and get this over with. If I don´t pass itś not the end of the world - only $1200 and three days wasted in the arctic tundra that is Chicago this time of year.
Second, I´m just waiting for February to be over. And damned if it wasn´t one day longer this year. At my job (and most legal jobs) we don´t work a certain number of hours a week - we don´t punch a time clock - we work for billable hours. So I have to bill a certain number of hours a month - or else. I can sit at work for 10 hours and if I only bill 2 hours then I still have to sit there until I get enough for the month. Other times you can get 2 hours in 30 minutes. It all depends. Well, usually it´s relatively doable if you put your mind to it. This month, however, I was out sick for three days and while I tried to do as much work as I could from home, it certainly wasn´t enough to get me to my hours. Add that to the three days I´ll be gone for the Bar and there is no way to recover. My hours are shot for the month. It´s embarrassing and I´m sure I´ll catch slack for it, but it´s just something that happens sometimes. So I just want the month to be over, I can get this crummy billable month over with and recover in March.
And, finally third, I just want March to be here. The beginning of Daylight Savings Time (one of my favorite days of the year), longer days, the official beginning of spring (though I swear we do not get actual spring weather here until May), St. Patrick´s Day (one of the more fun holidays), Easter (another fave - mostly because of Cadbury Creme Eggs), and just a general sigh of relief that the end of winter is coming.
So, sorry if I´m not living for the day right now - I´m just ready to get these few over with.