Weddings.

We've been married a bit over three months now. That makes me a wedding/marriage expert, right? I mean, three months, that's an eternity in Hollywood! Honestly I haven't thought too much about the wedding since the honeymoon. The thank you cards are winding down (if you haven't gotten yours yet, please let me know, because anyone who got us anything before June should have them by now), the dress is back from the cleaners and in the bag, the mementos are in a box (safe keeping for the scrapbook) and the photos are finally in. We've really just been enjoying marriage for now. It actually really rocks - it's so much better then being engaged!! Hell, getting my toenails plucked out with a machete is better then wedding planning! It's so much more relaxing and just nice. So some things I've been pondering on marriage and weddings:
- When we were engaged I had this insane fear that Cody was going to die. I know that's morbid but I was frightened to death (no pun intended) that he was going to die in a car wreck, killed by a drunk driver, drown in the bathtub, mauled by stray cats/squirrels/rabbits/dogs/insert vicious animal here, or whatever. I was just so scared he would die and not make it to the wedding and I was going to lose him and have to face such an incredible loss. I was scared that people would tell me, "at least you weren't married yet" as if that somehow made it easier and less painful. I didn't want to hear that, thus I feared for his death. Thankfully, that is over now and I feel safe and secure with Cody's well-being (not to mention the motorcycle is broken so that makes this part a bit easier).
- I would have had a longer engagement. I know that sounds silly because we dated for a total of something obnoxious like 7 years before we got engaged and had lived together for over two years and were then still engaged for almost 18 months - but I think I would have enjoyed more time reveling in engagement instead of rushing into wedding planning. Though on one hand I say that and on the other, we really didn't rush into wedding planning but put it off forever because it was such a pain (plus we were focused on the Germany trip for the first 8 months) and had it been any longer that likely would have just been more pain and stress on me. But in a idealistic world, I would have liked a few months to just enjoy the engagement and not rush into planning.
- I would have heeded the advice of my Bonus Mom better and really focused on Cody and I in the whole engagement/wedding planning period instead of everyone else. This is one of those things everyone tells you to do and you think you're doing it but you're really not and only after the wedding is over do you realized what a miserable job you did of it. It's impossible, I think, to 100% avoid this in the delerium of wedding planning. I would have cared less and less about impressing others (not that we really tried hard since we had a pretty tight budget) or what others thought (i.e. "people will think I'm stupid if I do ____ " or "people will like ___ so let's do that") and more about just making us happy (as evidenced by my day before meltdown, I was NOT a happy camper at that point). I would have focused more on the event - the wedding and marriage - and less on what people thought. While the wedding was worth every penny and second I put into it in the end, it wasn't worth all the time I spent thinking about what other people would think. It wasn't about impressing others or making them happy - it was about us creating a marriage.
- To add to that, I would have focused more on the "marriage" part and less on the "wedding" part. I think if couples spend 1/2 the time they spend talking about their marriages as they do their weddings there would be no divorce. We talked about wedding this and wedding that pretty much 24/7 (a HUGE mistake) and should have been talking about what we wanted out of marriage and what we expected. Luckily we've been together since the Ice Age and had really covered all those topics over the years - we got lucky and had the time to gradually ease into things - living together, joining bank accounts and finances, talking about expectations, kids, goals, life plans, etc. Since we'd heard that the #1 fight is finances, we spent more time then you can imagine talking about those issues - they are so well talked out we don't even deal with them anymore. But I wish we would have slowed down and really focused on marriage and not the wedding - because now that day is gone and what is left is a marriage for the rest of our lives.
- I wish we would have listened more. So many people, who were much wiser and had much more experience, tried to tell us to do this and that and we didn't listen. We thought we wouldn't fall into that mold/group/category - but of course in the end we did and we kick ourselves for not listening to everyone. There are some things that I think you just can't pass on to people - they are mistakes that everyone has to make and insists on making them no matter who advises against it - but now that we have the benefit of hindsight, they were all right and I wish we would have listened.
-And last, but not least, I wish someone would have told me how great marriage is and I (hopefully) would have stressed less over the wedding. I think there is a sense of insecurity that you try to fulfill with all this great wedding planning and events just in case marriage isn't all you want it to be. Maybe there's a bit of "I better have a super great wedding to remember just in case marriage isn't all that grand." But then when it's all over you realize that actually marriage is a ton better then any wedding - large or small, cheap or lavish - it's so much nicer then any ring or any tux or any dress. It's worth those things, of course, but in the end no one will remember my dress by next year, no one will remember his tux, no one will remember the flowers or the cake or the ceremony or the songs played, I'll probably have stopped wearing my engagement ring religiously (I've come to really love my wedding band - not that I don't like my engagement ring - I love it - but now the band means so much more to me - if I lost the engagement ring I'd be sad but not devistated - I would be crushed if I lost the band) but in the end we'll still have us which is so much better then any of that. If I had to give up my rings, my dress and the whole wedding I'd do it in a heartbeat if I could still have the marriage.