Never in my entire life.

Usually I try to post about relatively happy things going on in life - sometimes a bit about stress or dealing with a certain situation (see post about frozen pipes below or the millions of wedding stress posts) - but most of the time I try to keep it pretty chipper and upbeat. That's pretty much how I like to live my life. I honestly am pretty generally a very happy person. Not today. So if you're looking for chipper and upbeat, come back later. :)
We've all been hurt in life. I really don't believe there are many exceptions. We can be hurt by friends - every girl remembers when their first girlfriend really hurt/lied to/betrayed/etc. them. We can certainly be hurt by significant others - I suppose there's truth to the whole "the first cut is the deepest" - breakups hurt, boyfriends can disappoint, we can fight, but we always manage to move on. Then we can be hurt by more innocuous things - a lost job, a wrecked car, a broken piece of favorite china, a lost treasure - all sorts of things. Then of course we can be hurt by family. Hopefully this happens less often then the other categories, because family isn't like a girlfriend in that they move on to a new school and you drift apart. They're not like a boyfriend because, at least presumably, they don't break up with you. And of course they're not like a broken plate. But family can hurt more then anything in the world. Hense today's post.
I have never in my life ever been hurt like I am right now - at least not in recent memory. I'm hurt in a way only family can do. For fear that I'll wake up tomorrow and regret this entire post, I'm leaving many of the details, including names, out. But most of those really close to me will know exactly who I'm talking about. Without going into the gory details, I seriously have never in my life had this type of feeling of hurt and disappointment in my entire life. It hurts in my chest. It hurts to breathe. I tried to explain it to Cody but I think it's difficult for guys to really understand the pain girls can sometimes have. I am such at a loss right now I really don't know how to deal with it. One minute I feel I'm "coping" with it and the next I'm hysterical.
I have a very close family member who has not only been family to me but really a friend. Well, this person and I have had a rather non-traditional relationship my whole life, but at the end of the day I always felt like I could count on this person. Yes, this person has a history of promising to do things and falling through but there's something about family that even if you know their history, you always want to believe they will come through for you. You always trust in them even if they have let you down before. You always see stories on the news about families "enabling" on of the members and the press just can't understand why - I understand why - you want to trust what this person is saying to you - you want to believe that what they are saying is true - you want to believe they have changed and they really mean it this time - no matter the history you always want to believe this time is different - it's close to impossible (at least for me) to be realistic when you're dealing with family - at the end of the day no matter what they did you still love them and want to believe in them. I hope everyone is not like this and I hope other people have the ability to come to terms with these things and move on and be more realistic, but for some reason I guess I'm just a sucker. So anyway, this person has promised to do something very special and important for me. This person has let me down a number of times before but I REALLY belived this time would be different - this time we were dealing with my wedding. Girls will understand just how emotional you can get about a wedding - it's really insane at times, but it's true. There is really nothing more deeply personal in your life then your wedding - until you have kids of course and then if someone hurts/disappoints your kid then God help their soul. Anyway, this thing had to do with my wedding and I really really trusted in this person. And sure enough they let me down. But it wasn't so much the letting down that hurt. That could be dealt with. That could be handled and gotten past and we could have moved on until the next broken promise. We could have continued on with our little cycle. But no it was so much deeper and more personal then that. Without going into details, it was the way this person handled the situation that really just appaled me - it wasn't "I'm so sorry, please let me fix it" - it was excuse #1, and then when that was clearly ridiculous, let's try excuse #2 and then #3 and then #4 and so on. I really wish I had the nerve to post the actual situation here because the excuses were laughable. Really quite a strech - they just made no sense whatever.
This was one situation where had this person really cared enough, it would have been a great way to build trust. It was a very easy promise to keep. But no, it was nothing but excuses.
But it wasn't even the excuses, it was the way it was dealt with after that. It was so much more - but to really explain would be too much.
Needless to say, Cody's going to have a great night listening to me. :) But I guess that's why I picked him - he listens and cares even when I'm a wreck. He understands me more then I do sometimes and can see a situation from an objective standpoint which I often can't. He's rational when I can't be. He tells me I'm wrong when I'm wrong and stands behind me when I'm right. He lovingly explains that some people will hurt you in life and that's the way life is and you have to accept those people that way or not at all. He never ever lies to me and always keeps promises. If he says he'll do something, he does, unless there is something physically preventing him. He's dependable in a world where I haven't always had a lot of dependability. He's reliable and honest. I really got lucky with this one.
To end, I hope to wake up in the morning and feel a lot better, see things with a new light. I hope to read this and understand more but also be able to move forward with coming to terms with things (I'm no where near that now). Sorry for the long, babbling email that is cryptic - those are pretty annoying - but I think it helped to get things out a bit. :) To a better day tomorrow - at least it's Friday!